Striking Writers Linked To Stock Market Collapse

Write-downs and write-offs - what do they have in common? That’s right – WRITERS! On Friday, it was announced that a special task force has been mobilized to investigate the effects of a national conspiracy wreaking havoc on both the stock market and the housing market nationwide. According to sources, nearly three thousand writers from the Writers Guild of America were recruited, trained, and subsequently hired by leading mortgage broker firms like Countrywide from 2003 – 2006 with one goal: “No Loan Left Behind.” Sworn to secrecy and armed with stacks of forms and legal documents, they used their carefully honed creative writing skills to qualify every single applicant under their “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” approval policy, effectively supplying the HGH (Housing Growth Hormones) needed to grow an artificially inflated and “unreal estate” market.

From Main Street To Wall Street

As the subprime mess began unfolding in late 2006, these same writers were then transferred to Wall Street’s major financial institutions which were backing the same 50-Year Mortgages and Liar Loans that they had just written months earlier. Once at firms like Bear Sterns, Morgan Stanley, and Citigroup, this clandestine cast of thousands immediately began (once again) WRITING, only this time it was Write-Downs - to the tune of nearly $100B.

Investigators got their first tip in breaking this conspiracy wide open when, just as all of the financial Write-Offs were nearing completion, the WRITERS suddenly found themselves out of work, and began striking. “The timing was just too perfect,” noted one official, “Banks stopped WRITING loans, insurers stopped WRITING policies…ironic – yes, an accident – no.”

Whose (De)Fault Is it Anyway?

Task force officials are still investigating to determine just how far-reaching this scandal has become. One off-the-record Wall Street insider even went so far as to say, “You hear about stocks reaching a “strike” price? That’s actually how low that market has to go before the media moguls call off the dogs, finalize an agreement with the Writers Guild of America, and put these people back to work – only this time it will be for the Herculean task of UNDERWRITING our entire national economy.”