Daylight Savings – Out of Time: Announces Bankruptcy Amid Scandal
March 5, 2009 9:54 a.m. EST (Cleveland, OH)
In yet another casualty of the worldwide economic crisis, Thursday morning it was announced that Daylight Savings – set for March 8th - will be cancelled this year and restructured under Chapter 11, following allegations of impropriety from the Fed. According to a classified investigation by Wall Street officials, it appears that Daylight has in fact NOT been saved since 1987, which was ironically, the same year the film “The Living Daylights” – the 15th spy mystery in the James Bond series - was released. Instead of saving, the firm has in fact been spending Daylight at an unprecedented rate, and masking what is being called a “Daylight Deficit” by leveraging a series of Byzantine off-shore accounts for the past 22 years.
In what has been described as the “Biggest pyramid scheme since the Egyptians,” Daylight Savings (through its banking affiliate Daylight Savings and Loan) has been running a clandestine investment scheme collecting a mythical currency called “solar credits” and converting them into investment-grade greenbacks, before selling them back into the market.
“The effects of the Daylight Deficit have been around us for years – I guess I should have known something was up,” commented Cleveland resident Grant Readymul, who is personally out 47,000 solar credits and a pack of gum. “The most obvious is the fact that we don’t fit into our sports seasons anymore. Our World Series heroes are now called “Mr. November,” the Super Bowl isn’t played until February, and even March Madness doesn’t finish up until April! With the unwinding of Daylight Savings, it’s easy to see where all of the time has gone!” Documents uncovered by agents seizing Daylight assets have determined that most of the Daylight Savings Time has already been spent putting up phony Facebook pictures, stalking Tina Fey, and trying to pass expired coupons at the Piggly Wiggly.
According to noted business commentator Chuck Archer, “This Daylight Savings scandal makes the Bernie Madoff scheme look like a Tea Party,” and even Annie was disappointed with the news that the sun, in fact, would NOT be coming out tomorrow. The effects on other industries have been significant, with Light Beer sales tumbling 83% and Light Music losing over 79% in market share.
Daylight Savings has already filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection, and applied to receive bailout help from the Fed’s new T.A.L.K. (Troubled Atmospheric Light Kooperative) Plan. But all of that is little comfort to disgruntled investors like Horatio Sparks, who summed up the scandal best by saying, “Daylight Savings - it’s about Time.”