Pine Flu Outbreak!! Christmas Tree Sales Threatened: Scientists Stumped

In a year defined by an endless parade of head-snapping headlines, the latest Tannenbomb to go off was the ominous warning from a respected environmentalist that a rare outbreak of the so-called “Pine Flu” threatens to decimate America’s forests and destroy this beloved seasonal symbol.

According to scientists, the outbreak can be traced back to the strange visitation of an odd, greenish, backward-flying comet named “Lulin” in February. “The green color comes from the poisonous gasses carbon and cyanogen,” observed NASA astronomer Stephen Edberg, “and while most of the other objects in the solar system circle the sun counterclockwise, Lulin circles clockwise, and thanks to an optical illusion, from Earth it appears as if the comet’s tail is out in front.”

Exactly HOW this comet infected our forests remains unclear, but the CDC (Comets Destroying Christmas) committee has just launched its “Go Tell it on the Mountain” awareness campaign, issuing guidelines for triaging this disease, and axing people to be on the lookout for symptoms including malaise, drooping branches, curvature of the spine, truncated growth, and a loss of color - giving it the appearance of being sapped of all strength - and prompting disgruntled buyers to rename them “Never-green” Trees.

If you suspect that your tree has a case of the Pine Flu, DO NOT attempt to decorate or medicate – since tinsel is a natural irritant and it already has enough needles - and Yule regret any attempts to spruce things up, as infected trees have a heightened sensitivity to lights, and may become feverish and lumbering (regardless of whether the symptoms are real or artificial).

This “Pinedemic” is already trimming Christmas tree inventories nationwide, and the shortage is really getting the fir flying as customers fight for the few remaining healthy trees on the lot. When asked if this was just another left-wing, tree-hugging hoax, government officials were unboughed, snapping, “Hey, wasn’t it just last year that experts predicted the probability of an outbreak of swine flu when pigs fly?”